[ he sighs softly again as he listens, not because he's frustrated but because he's trying to understand. he closes his eyes a moment, contemplating his words carefully. ]
Should be and how we actually feel are often different things, Alfred, and there's no shame in it. It's very... human, innit? To feel a way other than we think we should.
[ he lets his fingers idle through the ends of alfred's hair, nails scraping briefly over his scalp. ]
You're allowed to be upset. Someone's been taken from you. Just because he was different from the one you're used to doesn't mean he's any less important. Like how just because you're not the Alfred he was used to, doesn't make you any less or more proper. We're all just--trying to carry on. Familiarity is important, even if it's a bit different from at home.
[ he opens his eyes again, voice low. ]
You can be happy for him going back home after you've had a good mourn over it. You don't have to feel guilty for that. Even if you should, it's not like it's anyone's business but yours how you feel about things. Be selfish for once.
[It is human. But he still feels lost and guilty. He should be glad that Bruce managed to get away from this place. But he has never been able to handle a Wayne being taken from him well. He'd still never properly mourned Thomas. He couldn't. He'd had to focus on Bruce. His world had been Bruce. Less so here, but the feeling is still the same.
That and there's a gnawing fear that those that leave don't actually go home. There's no proof of it. There's nothing but the word of LIES to go by and he doesn't trust them. Not one bit. For all he knows, Bruce is just somewhere else on this planet. Some other facility, with no one there for him. While he knows the man can fend for himself, the thought is nauseating. More than the want to have his boy here still. Here where he can keep an eye on him now and then.
His breath shudders and his forehead slips to rest on Regulus' shoulder. His shoulders shake as of he's still trying to keep it in. He won't cry here. He can't.]
I never really got to tell him...how much I love him. Or how proud I am of him. I wish I could tell him that. I wish I could have been there more for him. I know I'll never be his father, I'll never replace his parents, but I wanted to tell him at least once, how I saw him. I failed him, Reg. As a father...
[His arms wrap a bit around the teen, needing something to hold onto.] And I failed you too. As your guardian.
[ it's natural to feel lost, and guilty too--regulus can't begrudge him the emotions in any way, though alfred seems to be begrudging himself them.
(regulus is more frightened of going home than not going home, honestly. nothing awaits him but death in the bottom of a lake, and this place is at least better than that. probably.)
he curves closer, tipping his head and tucking into alfred's neck with a sigh. he's not good at being comforting, though he's working on being tactile--it's difficult, with the family he's come from, the upbringing he's had, to be emotive. but this deserves it, doesn't it? ]
You know you don't need to say it in so many words, right? [ he murmurs it, barely audible, but just for him. ] It's in how you talk about him, how you treat him, how you act when it comes to him. I'd be very surprised if he didn't know from the get-go just how you feel about him. Saying it is just another step. Showing love is more important than saying it. I don't think he'd want you to replace his parents anyway. You're different, but that's good. You don't need to be someone you're not.
[ he sighs, lifting his head and using one hand to tip up alfred's as well, looking at him seriously; his grey eyes are sharp in the low light, but they're fond too. ]
You haven't failed anyone, and I don't want you to think that about yourself. It's absurd. You're too hard on yourself. You think you failed me, but did you ask me how I feel about the matter? No, you just blamed yourself.
[He knows that this is also unfair to Regulus. He's supposed to be looking after this boy now and all he can think about, all he can focus on, is another boy, grown into a man. But that's how it'll always be. The entire world is second to Bruce Wayne. Even Regulus, who's helped him turn his life around here by giving him someone to care for and protect takes a backseat to the specter no of a scared little boy in a dark alley.
Regulus really deserves a guardian that can make him priority one. That won't fall apart the second an adult man who can take care of himself disappears. He already knows of Bruce comes back, he won't hesitate this time. Awkward or not, he'll offer a contract, just to keep the man close.
And that's not fair to Regulus either. But the most unfair is right now. Is the fact that he's assuming about the boy trying to comfort him.]
I have though. I broke our contract. How is that not failing you. I can't be trusted. You've every right to walk out that door and find someone what'll do right by you. [The way his hand twists into the fabric of Regulus' shirt days otherwise. He doesn't want Regulus to go. If he had his way, he'd make this arrangement perminant. But it's not up to him.]
[ and it feels unfair, in a way, but that's just the spoiled child in him wanting attention, wanting affection that he never got at home. it's not as though his parents or any of his friends were so much as capable of being doting, so he latches onto it when he can get it.
regulus wouldn't begrudge him wanting that other contract either, considering, but he'd still be jealous as anything. he's not thinking about that though, frowning deeply as he observes him.
for a moment, he doesn't know what to say or do. then he darts in to urge a kiss to his mouth, though it's quick and chaste, before he speaks. ]
My own family would kill me if they found out what I've done. Without a second thought. You've been nothing but good to me, so what makes you think I'd even want to leave? We all make mistakes, and in the grand scheme of things this is very small.
[ he leans close again, this time to murmur into his ear. ]
If I can help it in any capacity, I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes I worry you'll realize you've made a mistake taking me in and you'll tell me you don't want me here anymore.
[The kiss isn't remotely what he's expecting. It comes so quickly that he can't really react. After, he's still a bit dumbfounded. He doesn't know what to do. He should tell Regulus that he shouldn't do that. What they have, it isn't that sort of contact. And he's playing at being the young man's guardian, the way he had for Bruce. To be intimate with anyone near to the age of the boy he considers his son, it's not something he really thinks about very long.
But it's just a kiss. Perfectly innocent, even if it was on the mouth.
He still feels it lingering there as Regulus speaks. He knows that and he wants to give this boy a family that loves him. That would go to the ends of the Earth to support him.
His hug goes a little warmer.]
I don't deserve you. And you are helping already. I might have made a lot of mistakes lately, but taking you in wasn't one of them. I'm glad you're here. I'm grateful you want to stay. [Regulus is someone who needs him too. Probably more than a 30- something Bruce Wayne did.] And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I broke the rules
[ he wants to do it again, to make it mean more, but he refrains because he's afraid alfred will push him away for it, citing propriety. regulus honestly doesn't care much about propriety, but he knows alfred does, and that he should respect it. so he tries to.
he sighs, dropping his head to alfred's shoulder and closing his eyes. it's clear alfred is really beating himself up about this, though he doesn't need to--
--he feels the way the hug shifts, and it makes him smile faintly. ]
Mistakes are just that, mistakes. Generally speaking, they can be remedied or fixed. If I can make up for the horrible things I've done by being good now, why not the same for other mistakes? Besides, you broke your own rule, not one of the ones I set. I'd be more concerned about one of those, but I still wouldn't leave. It'd take--a lot. Do you understand that? You're stuck with me, for lack of a better way to put it.
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Should be and how we actually feel are often different things, Alfred, and there's no shame in it. It's very... human, innit? To feel a way other than we think we should.
[ he lets his fingers idle through the ends of alfred's hair, nails scraping briefly over his scalp. ]
You're allowed to be upset. Someone's been taken from you. Just because he was different from the one you're used to doesn't mean he's any less important. Like how just because you're not the Alfred he was used to, doesn't make you any less or more proper. We're all just--trying to carry on. Familiarity is important, even if it's a bit different from at home.
[ he opens his eyes again, voice low. ]
You can be happy for him going back home after you've had a good mourn over it. You don't have to feel guilty for that. Even if you should, it's not like it's anyone's business but yours how you feel about things. Be selfish for once.
no subject
That and there's a gnawing fear that those that leave don't actually go home. There's no proof of it. There's nothing but the word of LIES to go by and he doesn't trust them. Not one bit. For all he knows, Bruce is just somewhere else on this planet. Some other facility, with no one there for him. While he knows the man can fend for himself, the thought is nauseating. More than the want to have his boy here still. Here where he can keep an eye on him now and then.
His breath shudders and his forehead slips to rest on Regulus' shoulder. His shoulders shake as of he's still trying to keep it in. He won't cry here. He can't.]
I never really got to tell him...how much I love him. Or how proud I am of him. I wish I could tell him that. I wish I could have been there more for him. I know I'll never be his father, I'll never replace his parents, but I wanted to tell him at least once, how I saw him. I failed him, Reg. As a father...
[His arms wrap a bit around the teen, needing something to hold onto.] And I failed you too. As your guardian.
no subject
(regulus is more frightened of going home than not going home, honestly. nothing awaits him but death in the bottom of a lake, and this place is at least better than that. probably.)
he curves closer, tipping his head and tucking into alfred's neck with a sigh. he's not good at being comforting, though he's working on being tactile--it's difficult, with the family he's come from, the upbringing he's had, to be emotive. but this deserves it, doesn't it? ]
You know you don't need to say it in so many words, right? [ he murmurs it, barely audible, but just for him. ] It's in how you talk about him, how you treat him, how you act when it comes to him. I'd be very surprised if he didn't know from the get-go just how you feel about him. Saying it is just another step. Showing love is more important than saying it. I don't think he'd want you to replace his parents anyway. You're different, but that's good. You don't need to be someone you're not.
[ he sighs, lifting his head and using one hand to tip up alfred's as well, looking at him seriously; his grey eyes are sharp in the low light, but they're fond too. ]
You haven't failed anyone, and I don't want you to think that about yourself. It's absurd. You're too hard on yourself. You think you failed me, but did you ask me how I feel about the matter? No, you just blamed yourself.
no subject
Regulus really deserves a guardian that can make him priority one. That won't fall apart the second an adult man who can take care of himself disappears. He already knows of Bruce comes back, he won't hesitate this time. Awkward or not, he'll offer a contract, just to keep the man close.
And that's not fair to Regulus either. But the most unfair is right now. Is the fact that he's assuming about the boy trying to comfort him.]
I have though. I broke our contract. How is that not failing you. I can't be trusted. You've every right to walk out that door and find someone what'll do right by you. [The way his hand twists into the fabric of Regulus' shirt days otherwise. He doesn't want Regulus to go. If he had his way, he'd make this arrangement perminant. But it's not up to him.]
no subject
regulus wouldn't begrudge him wanting that other contract either, considering, but he'd still be jealous as anything. he's not thinking about that though, frowning deeply as he observes him.
for a moment, he doesn't know what to say or do. then he darts in to urge a kiss to his mouth, though it's quick and chaste, before he speaks. ]
My own family would kill me if they found out what I've done. Without a second thought. You've been nothing but good to me, so what makes you think I'd even want to leave? We all make mistakes, and in the grand scheme of things this is very small.
[ he leans close again, this time to murmur into his ear. ]
If I can help it in any capacity, I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes I worry you'll realize you've made a mistake taking me in and you'll tell me you don't want me here anymore.
no subject
But it's just a kiss. Perfectly innocent, even if it was on the mouth.
He still feels it lingering there as Regulus speaks. He knows that and he wants to give this boy a family that loves him. That would go to the ends of the Earth to support him.
His hug goes a little warmer.]
I don't deserve you. And you are helping already. I might have made a lot of mistakes lately, but taking you in wasn't one of them. I'm glad you're here. I'm grateful you want to stay. [Regulus is someone who needs him too. Probably more than a 30- something Bruce Wayne did.] And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I broke the rules
no subject
he sighs, dropping his head to alfred's shoulder and closing his eyes. it's clear alfred is really beating himself up about this, though he doesn't need to--
--he feels the way the hug shifts, and it makes him smile faintly. ]
Mistakes are just that, mistakes. Generally speaking, they can be remedied or fixed. If I can make up for the horrible things I've done by being good now, why not the same for other mistakes? Besides, you broke your own rule, not one of the ones I set. I'd be more concerned about one of those, but I still wouldn't leave. It'd take--a lot. Do you understand that? You're stuck with me, for lack of a better way to put it.